How to Survive Black Friday (Literally)

November 24, 2017

Black Friday: despite its wholesome roots in holiday feel-good consumerism, the day has become a sort of pre-UFC, survival-of-the-fittest Battle Royale. While videos of Black Friday shenanigans provide us bystanders with some of the best dark comedy on the Internet, those seeking the coveted $299 42” TV are in an annual fight for their lives. We’re not looking down on it by any means; after all, The Dime  is all about financial responsibility, and there’s nothing more financially responsible than pursuing an extremely good deal (even if it leads to  a few scrapes and bruises in the process). But as with any good battle, there’s some important equipment that’ll prepare you for your venture to Walmart/Best Buy/other big box retailer.

REI Co-op Passage 2 Tent

This is a tough choice given the sheer number of tents out there, but we think in this specific situation you’re going to need something light, durable, and relatively disposable. In the wild, wolves will take your tent as a sign that you’re not an easy target, but the treacherous wilderness of the Target parking lot is a whole other ballgame. So, with this two-person tent, you can quickly pack and run without feeling the weight of your previous night’s home on your back. Granted, this depends on what kind of weather you’re dealing with, but assuming you’re packing some decent winter wear, this tent will do its job. Plus, at a measly $108.99, you can basically leave it as scrap if things get a little hectic.

DuPont Hazmat Suit

Once you’ve gotten a few extremely restless Z's in your REI Passage 2 Tent, you’re going to want to prepare for the battle ahead with not necessarily the most comfortable outfit, but rather, the most protective. Black Friday is an unabashed warzone. There’s a high potential for major messes throughout the day, and the likelihood that anything actually gets cleaned up is about as unlikely as you not getting that aforementioned 42” TV. So, with a hazmat suit, you can rest assured that all those spills, messes, and carnage won’t have a chance of penetrating your person or your mental fortress. Focus is tantamount if you want to survive with the king’s bounty you crave, and having a suit of armor designed to protect against radioactive waste will let you keep your eye on the prize.

Night Watchman 2 Million Volt Stun Gun / LED Flashlight Defense Tool

Now, we obviously don’t advocate for violence, but it’s important that you’re able to protect yourself against anyone willing to buckle your knees over that last Smeg Kettle. This is why the Night Watchman could be the move for you. See, first and foremost, it’s a flashlight. In the unlikely-ish event that someone sabotages the electric grid to get a head start on the Friday deals, you’ll be able to find your way and form allegiances with other doomsday shoppers. Then, if a would-be assailant attempts to tear that PS4 Pro from your grip, there’s an ultra-bright LED flashing function that’ll knock him off guard, and hopefully distract long enough for you to make a beeline to the register.  And finally, if a zombified, Tryptophan-fueled adversary were to come your way, you can give him a little zap as a reminder that no one keeps Momma from a good deal.

A Trusted Friend

The very last thing you would ever want to need during this absurd experience is the help of an employee. With chaos afoot, she’s basically presumed dead within the first hour of Black Friday merriment—and won’t be much help getting you that must-have elliptical that’s 75% off. Maybe you’ll literally need her help getting it down/carrying it, but realistically, you’re going to more so need her to ward off the unwashed masses approaching your treasure. Having that friend to steer the attention away may be the only thing between life with or without a decent holiday. As you run toward the exit wheeling your cart of impossible deals, and the deal vultures encircle your friend, you’ll hear him utter, “Tell my family that I love them, and that I tried, but they were all out of Xboxes.” At that moment, you’ll remember to give one last Thanksgiving thanks to friends willing to sacrifice their own deals for your elliptical. Stay safe, dear readers. And Godspeed.