The demon’s night is officially upon us, and with it comes a cacophony of screams from the belly of tortured beasts and half-dead once humans seeking reprieve on this crisp fall night. Or, more realistically, it’s probably a cacophony of inaudible screeches from “sexy bees” trying to milk the last drop of proverbial honey from this year’s fourth Halloween costume. Even though most probably got their Halloween cheer on over the weekend, the holiday holds so much childhood nostalgia that we’re guessing peeps won’t let Tuesday come and go without at least one last try at the now beer-stained sexy stapler costume. Plus, we all already binge-watched season 2 of Stranger Things on Sunday, so honestly, what do any of us have to look forward to for at least another year or two?
Halloween is many things to many people, but we see it as a sort of magnifying glass for the culture of the past year—and maybe even culture as a whole. Costumes alone are a clear indication of what popular moments have retained their status in our collective American zeitgeist. Where Harry Potter once dominated the streets of Halloween, now we see interpretations of everyone’s favorite Eggo-crazed pre-teen, Eleven. However, it’s not like Halloween isn’t without its faults. Some important aspects of this sacred holiday could use a little updating in our humble opinion; so, here are a few things about Halloween that we’d like to see die off. (We’re aware that wishing for something Halloween-related to die is a strange thing given that the premise of the holiday is dead things coming back to life and haunting the world of the living. But we’ll get more into that here shortly.)
The tons of mass-produced candy we give children
How are we still doing this? It’s not to say that everyone doesn’t love candy—clearly we all do. At this point, though, haven’t we collectively agreed that candy is terrible for you? It kind of seems like the 2010s equivalent to smoking cigarettes on airplanes or some other “I can’t believe people ever did that” thing from a bygone era. OK now, don’t start accusing us of being that neighbor who hands out pennies and 30-year savings bonds to 6-year-old Disney princesses on Halloween. There is such thing as good (or at least better)-for-you candy. Perhaps consider homemade taffy. Or those amazing caramel Rice Krispie treats from Whole Foods. Or a local confection like Hammond’s Candies. Or hey, don’t sleep on the savings bonds; there’s nothing wrong with helping one plan for his/her financial future, right (this is The Dime, after all)? The kids will be none too pleased in the moment, but they’ll thank you later.
Sexy anything costumes
Now, here’s where the whole “dying” thing gets complicated. As anyone with eyes and a stint in a college town knows, sexy costumes are getting out of hand. We won’t pretend to know the history of said costumes, but it’s probably safe to assume that the “original” sexy costumes were just normal outfits that, by the very nature of the person/persona they were depicting, were sexy (we’re thinking Marilyn Monroe, a flapper, Catwoman, etc.). Then, of course, came costumes like the “sexy school teacher,” “sexy cop,” and “sexy French maid.” However, somewhere between then and now, our appreciation for the latent sexual appeal broadened wildly, and now we find ourselves in an age of “sexy fish,” “sexy Pikachu,” “sexy Alexander Hamilton”…you get the idea. OK, so before you accuse us of some Puritan POV on sexuality, let us remind you that Halloween is about dead things coming back to life. While a sexy trout is, well, dumb, a sexy dead trout is just weird enough to be an incredibly good costume. It’s sexy enough to feel good wearing it, but strange and meta enough to impress smart people. So, take that sexy anime character, add a little blood and the stench of death, and BOOM.
Trick-or-treating (as we know it)
This is a bit of a contentious one, but hear us out. In the age of Amazon Prime and drone delivery services, we think it may be time to retire the old style of trick-or-treating, and create a whole new system of home-delivery trick-or-treating. Kids can, of course, still go door-to-door, but for us adults who are none too pleased about the idea of nonstop interruptions to our latest Netflix show (and don’t want to seem like total Debbie Downers), let’s find a way to Jeff Bozos our way into the future of trick-or-treating. Plus, we selfishly want to get our trick-or-treat on without the totally deserved stigma of being the creeps who wander the streets of Suburbia, clinging to the mini Butterfingers we got from the same neighbor we borrowed an Allen wrench from just 48 hours earlier. We’re not going to pretend to know the solution here, but there is one, and we need to find it fast—before the FOMO of trick-or-treating in its current form gets one of us banned from the monthly neighborhood council meetings.