Frozen Part 2: The Tale of Spring Cleaning

April 5, 2018

For the self-respecting adults out there, spring cleaning seems like a bit of a redundant idea. Cleaning is the kind of thing you just do to maintain a sense of balance in your overall life. It’s a weekly regimen, and an important part of your natural feng shui. For the rest of us dirtballs, spring cleaning is both a valuable tool for procrastination, and a justification for finally getting to arrange our living room/bedroom/foyer. However, most people, even the cleanliest among us, forget to tidy up some core parts of their lives. Let’s look at a few of them, shall we?

That weird "everything" drawer in your kitchen (most likely)

In every house there’s a drawer where every free magnet, used battery, gag gift, and loose office supply somehow reside in a perfect metaphor for peaceful coexistence. Maybe it’s because you want to believe that so many disparate and dissimilar entities can truly coexist on earth, or maybe it’s simply the sheer magnitude of nostalgia and organizational stress that’s contained in that drawer, but either way, it probably hasn’t been cleaned in years. So, in the spirit of spring cleaning, take a moment to just throw away all those loose pennies and several year-old birthday cards from grandparents. Needless to say, you’re going to need more room for all the other unnecessary stuff you’ll continue to collect somehow.

Your freezer

The freezer is the edible equivalent to the “everything” drawer—a repository for procrastination. Whenever you have anything even vaguely perishable, and with no immediate need, it goes into the freezer for the unforeseeable future. So eventually, you’ve stockpiled a bunch of food you’ll probably never eat, but are planning to save for some critical circumstance when you might. We suggest using spring cleaning to throw some of that stuff out (emphasis on the throw out). See, unless you’re a totally uncivilized man beast, the likelihood that you find something in the everything drawer that you want to eat is going to be rare. The freezer, though, is another story. As you start pulling frozen bagels, berries, and cookies out from under the manufactured permafrost, you’ll inevitably have a moment of, “Hmm, I could go for a taquito right about now. I bet these are still good.” We’re telling you now: just don’t. 

Your DVR

Unless you’re training for an audition, it's pretty unlikely that you’ll be going back to watch the fourth episode of The Bachelor from three seasons ago. Yet, there it is, nestled deep in your DVR backlog. So why do you insist on keeping regular season baseball games and Top Chef episodes on your DVR? It’s probably because every time it tells you that you’re at 90% capacity, you delete just enough of the recent stuff to make room for the next round of recorded shows. That’s no way to live during the golden age of television! It’s time to replace those antiquated episodes with something fresh, like Atlanta (season 2 just dropped), AMC's latest hit The Terror (yep, you'll probably be terrified), or maybe the latest season of Teen Mom (hey, we all have guilty our pleasures).

Your computer

Most people don’t typically think of cleaning up their digital space during the ceremonial spring cleaning period, but we are truly a computer-driven society now, and in all likelihood, you probably have lots of trash (literally and figuratively) on your computer that probably doesn’t need to be there anymore. Fortunately for the hoarding inclined among us, external hard drives have gotten almost comically cheap, so you could backup anything you think might be valuable before deleting it. The one major caveat when you’re dealing with spring cleaning your computer though, particularly if you’re the kind of person who still needs to call someone for a step-by-step tutorial when you’re trying to change the font in Microsoft Word, is that things can go very wrong if you accidentally delete the wrong thing. So, it’s a good idea to get some help when you’re cleaning up your system 32 files. Or wait: is system 32 the ones you’re not supposed to delete? Hmm. The point is, know what you’re doing before you attempt to spring clean your computer.

Did we forget anything? Sound off in the comments below!